Virtual Adultery
Adultery ~ the ultimate betrayal. The unholy sexual union between a man and woman. The shattering of trust, the breaking of the marriage covenant, the reckless and deliberate contamination of the holy & sacred union between a husband and wife.
Defining Adultery
In order to fully discern the issue of infidelity, we must understand exactly what adultery is as explained by the Lord Jesus Himself:
“You have heard it said, ‘YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
~ Matthew 5:27-28
Jesus gives a clear definition of adultery in these verses. Adultery is not limited to the physical act of sexual intercourse with a woman {or man} to whom you are not married. Adultery includes any and all thoughts of any and all sexually intimate desires and/or acts with a woman {or man} to whom you are not married. Adultery is committed first in a sin-fertile heart and mind. It is conceived with lust, developed with imagination, and born with arousal. Whether or not it ever enters the physical realm is irrelevant, according to these verses of Scripture. Jesus knew the wickedness of the human heart, and the natural tendency toward sexual sin, when He made these statements.
Defining Virtual Adultery
Infidelity today is more rampant than it has ever been due to the proliferation of “virtual adultery”. Virtual adultery is exactly what its name implies:
"the act of committing adultery, through thought and imagination, with the absence of physical contact."
At no time in history has the practice of virtual adultery been more prevalent than it is today. The opportunity to commit virtual adultery has increased exponentially with the liberal dispensing of endless varieties of pornography, served-up buffet-style, in limitless supply and in countless forms. It has crept into our culture through various forms of media, and is now easily accessible thanks to the abundant supply delivered to your doorstep via the internet. Pornography is available to anyone and everyone, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 day a year.
Defining Pornography
Many people have a misconception of exactly what pornography is. Let’s take a look at the definition of pornography:
“printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”
Pornography has become the virtual-adulterer’s method of choice. It offers the opportunity for an individual to engage in sexually sinful behavior in an abstract form, and is viewed by users as harmless entertainment. It is primarily men who view pornography, but more and more women are indulging as well. Especially troubling is that many users of pornography are professing Christians. Many firmly believe that because there is no real person involved, it is a guilt- and sin-free activity, and yet, most partaking in this form of sexual sin tend to do so in secret. Whether you’re viewing lewd-nude videos on the computer behind a locked door, or reading an erotic, lust-filled romance novel on your lunch hour at work, you are indulging your senses in an unholy manner, and poisoning your relationship with God and your spouse.
Pornography’s goal is to fuel your lust, cause you to become sexually aroused, and leave you thirsting for more. The lust-arousal-thirst chain is a never-ending cycle whose insatiable appetite must continually be fed, thus leading to ongoing use of pornographic materials. Discontentment soon takes hold when your marital relationship cannot satisfy your ever-increasing and unrealistic desires for sexual performance and gratification. The cycle continues to gain momentum, leading the user further and further away from the sexual purity God intends for marriage.
If we are to be believers in and followers of Christ, we need to be honest and face this issue head-on. Do you have the will to do so? Are you courageous enough to expose the lie and embrace the Truth? Then let’s shine the Light of God’s Holy Word on this and see it for what it truly is . . .
Lie #1: It’s not a sin to indulge in pornography. This lie is quickly exposed with Jesus warning that even to look upon someone with lust is to commit adultery with her/him. Pornography exists to induce and to breed lustful and impure sexual desires. It feeds our self-centered human nature and encourages us to indulge in the passions of the flesh, regardless of how it affects others. It portrays women and men as objects of sexual pleasure, with no strings of commitment, respect, or honor attached. It places no worth on other human beings except for what they can offer sexually. It rejects the Divine value each of us has in the eyes of our Creator. All manner of perversion is delivered in pornographic materials while God commands:
“Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept undefiled . . .”
~ Hebrews 13:4
Contrary to the dark deception of virtual adultery, God appoints one person of the opposite sex to be your lifelong spouse, to live together as one according to His Word, and with whom you are blessed by God to share acts of sexual intimacy. To feed a pornography-habit is to commit adultery, and to sin against God, yourself, and your own beloved spouse.
"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man, who can find? The righteous man leads a blameless life." ~ Proverbs 20:6-7 "A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband, but a wife who puts him to shame is like rottenness in his bones." ~ Proverbs 12:4
Lie #2: Watching or reading pornography isn’t the same as adultery.
Watching or reading pornography is exactly the same as committing adultery, according to the Lord Jesus Himself. It is an emotional and mental betrayal, and a sexual virtual-escapade with someone other than your spouse. To engage in pornography is a violation of your marriage covenant to be faithful to your spouse and “keep yourself only unto him/her”. It is to practice deception, and to dishonor the one the Lord has given to you. It is to place more value on lustful feelings and self-gratification than on the sacred relationship God designed to provide for holy sexual intimacy.
Lie #3: Pornography is harmless. The destructive effects virtual adultery has on a marriage are extensive. The wounds inflicted leave painful scars which can take many years to heal, if they heal at all.
A Christian wife discovered that her husband of more than 20 years had been viewing pornography via the internet for several hours at a time, on a near-daily basis, for an extended period of time. When she discovered her husband's transgression, she was absolutely devastated. She confides her story here:
“When I first discovered what my husband had been doing, I was literally sick to my stomach. I physically felt that I'd been badly beaten. My worst fear had come to pass ~ he was being unfaithful. I prayed earnestly for the Lord to guide me as I felt my whole world caving-in around me.
"I confronted my husband, very gently, wanting desperately to believe I was mistaken, but the evidence was undeniable. He admitted to me that he had indeed been viewing pornography, and he initially was very defensive and told me flatly that he was going to 'do whatever he wanted to do'. He vehemently denied that it is sinful, he denied that it is a form of infidelity, and he refused to acknowledge it as sin. I felt utterly desolate . . . completely alone . . . abandoned. He asked me if I wanted a divorce, and after a brief moment of thought, I said no. I wondered if he wanted a divorce but I didn’t ask him. I was afraid of his answer.
“I felt that suddenly, I didn’t know who my husband was. I felt that the person I had always believed him to be simply didn’t exist . . . had never existed. He was a complete stranger to me. I felt that our marriage had been a lie. I felt betrayed, abused, humiliated, and worthless. I wondered if it was my fault, if I was not enough to satisfy him sexually ~ or otherwise. I felt that I couldn't possibly compete with the women in these pornographic videos with their perfect bodies, their youth, their beauty, their passion.
"I wondered who he was thinking about when he was making love to me. I felt as if he had welcomed countless mistresses into our marriage, and I wondered just how many other women were sharing our bed. I wondered how long it had been going on. Had he been viewing pornography during our entire marriage? Had any part of his love for me been pure?
"I wondered if my husband cared about me at all. I felt sure he placed no value on our marriage or our relationship. I couldn’t comprehend how he could be unfaithful to me in this way, and yet carry on as if everything was normal. I was hurt beyond description and could find no words to express my pain. I had always trusted him to protect me, and he had thoughtlessly violated the bond of intimacy we shared. How could I ever trust him again? I wondered how he could profess allegiance to Christ and yet engage in such perverse & destructive behavior.
"I so wanted to go back in time and return to the marriage I thought we had before this, but I realized that everything had changed ~ forever. Nothing could ever be the same between us. As desperately as I wanted restoration, I just didn’t know how ~ or if ~ I could forgive him. I didn’t know how I’d ever be able to trust him with my feelings again. I didn’t know how I would be able to be intimate with him without feeling that I’d been brutally and completely violated. My spirit was crushed and my heart was shattered. I didn’t know if our marriage could survive or not.”
This wife's words are laced with deep, excruciating pain. Sadly, her husband hadn’t even the slightest inkling of how severely he’d wounded his wife and marriage. His conscience had become so seared that he was hardened to the very fact that he had not only violated his marriage covenant, he had disobeyed God. He had compromised the very foundation of his relationship with his wife for the sake of momentary, lustful pleasure. While he regretted having caused her pain, he didn’t regret his behavior. This left his wife feeling all the more insecure, and always wondering if he was being true to her ~ in his heart, in his mind, and in his body.
The harm caused by pornography is far-reaching. It corrupts the Truth of a sacred & holy sexual relationship as ordained by God within the bonds of matrimony; it desensitizes the user and causes his/her heart to become hardened; it causes the user to become discontented with his/her own spouse, and often leads to placing unrealistic demands on him/her; it causes the user's sexual expectations to become unrealistic, leaving him/her feeling continually frustrated and disappointed.
Lie #4: Indulging in pornography is not that big of a deal.
It’s a well-known and well-documented fact that pornography is addictive. As with any other addictive substance, pornography triggers a significant increase in the brain's feel-good hormones, like serotonin. The sexual arousal produced by pornographic material is quickly followed by a euphoric high, and this causes the brain to crave more of this exhilarating feeling, requiring further use of pornography. Eventually, the user has to use more frequently to achieve the same level of euphoria, and often times finds a need to use more hard-core forms of pornography in order to obtain the desired level of stimulation.
It becomes a difficult cycle to break when the user becomes so entrapped that he/she begins to structure his/her entire life around the next opportunity to use, even to the point of sacrificing once-important relationships, for the sake of feeding and maintaining the addiction. All too often, addiction to pornography eventually leads to the user acting on his/her desire for a physical sexual relationship.
Any form of addiction, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling, or pornography, becomes life-controlling. The addict exchanges his/her life and well-being for the pursuit of the high. Addiction is the total loss of self-control and Scripture is abundantly clear about this issue:
“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its lusts, and do not go on presenting the members of your body to sin as instruments of unrighteousness . . ."
~ Romans 6:12
The Battle Plan
The marriage relationship is to be guarded and protected at all cost, from all possible threat. God fully intends for a married couple to take pleasure with one another in the holy act of marital sexual intimacy, but indulging in adultery in any form invites others into your marriage-bed. Rather than protecting this most sacred and intimate aspect of the marriage relationship, sexual intimacy is routinely sacrificed on the altar of self-gratification.
Fantasizing about others is adultery. Lusting after others is adultery. Feeding the insatiable appetite of unholy sex is adultery. Satan relentlessly utilizes the sexual battlefield throughout our culture to sabotage marriage and family. Reject his persistent attempts to draw you into the darkness. Be vigilant and refuse to allow him to lure you into a compromising stupor.
Sexual fidelity must be emotional, mental, and spiritual, as well as physical. Faithfulness requires total submission to God, complete devotion to your spouse, and ceaseless self-control. The destructive force of adultery in any form is mighty. It has the capacity to infiltrate, corrupt, and destroy even a strong marriage.
"For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like those who do not know God . . ." ~ 1Thessalonians 4:3-5
Redemption
If you are or have been guilty of engaging in virtual adultery, turn away from it immediately, without hesitation, without reservation, and with your whole heart. Seek the forgiveness of God and the restoration of your marriage, even if your spouse is unaware of your transgression. If your spouse is aware, seek her/his forgiveness. Do not be deceived ~ damage has been done. Bring your marriage before the Lord and seek healing. Call upon Him in your weakness. Bring purity back to your marriage-bed, and restore the blessings God has intended to bestow upon you and your spouse.
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13
If you have been the victim of virtual adultery, I encourage you to confront your spouse in love, be absolutely honest with your feelings, and be willing to offer forgiveness. Be prepared for denial and resistance. Expect a long road of restoration ahead. Above all, be ever-mindful that the enemy is relentless, and desires nothing more than to destroy that which God has established. Refuse to relinquish your marriage covenant to the enemy's hands.
"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places." ~ Ephesians 6:12
Hold fast to the hope that God, as the Great Physician, has the power to bring healing to you, your spouse, and your relationship. The Lord alone knows the depth of your pain and your feelings of betrayal, and He alone can restore what the locust has eaten away. He alone can bring beauty out of ashes.
"After you have suffered a while, the Lord Himself will restore, establish, strengthen, and settle you." ~ 1 Peter 5:10
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"Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity.
Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind."
~ Marcus Tullius Cicero