Lighten Up
Recently, married friends asked me how Bobby and I settle arguments. My immediate response was, “Well, first, I beat him with a stick.” Obviously, this is not true, but it does allude to how we approach conflict. We apply humor whenever possible. Needless to say, there are certainly occasions when humor is not appropriate, but if you consider the issues most couples debate, they’re often very petty and inconsequential.
After shocking our friends with my response, I went on to clarify. In actuality, when Bobby and I have a difference of opinion, we usually: 1) yell; 2) apologize; 3) discuss; 4) resolve.
Bobby and I are, to our dismay, one hundred percent human. We don’t always approach one another peaceably. Sometimes, particularly if one or both of us is stressed, we begin with raised voices. Yelling is sooner or later followed by regret, and that’s where the apology comes in. Once we get to that point in the process, we can communicate with one another in a civil manner with the goal of repairing any damage and coming to a resolution. I suppose there are some couples out there who have the unique ability to skip steps 1 and 2 and proceed directly to 3 and 4, but we are not that couple. Bobby tends to be true to his passionate, Italian ancestry, and this typically dictates the initial yell-response during conflict. I am true to my German ancestry and I respond likewise.
When you get right down to it, though, neither of us enjoys being angry with one another. We don’t like being at odds and we despise discord. We both desire to restore peace and harmony as quickly as possible, realizing that much of what we bicker about is insignificant.
Case in point . . . early in our marriage, dear friends joined us for a home-cooked Italian supper in our home. Among the offerings of the evening was Italian sausage. Bobby inquired as to where I got the sausage, to which I replied, “Out of the freezer.”
Now, to me, this was a perfectly innocent and accurate reply to his question. I was in no way attempting to avoid his question, neither was I trying to be sarcastic. Apparently,
though, he took it as a hostile response and thus responded to my reply in like manner. I immediately got defensive. Loudly. Our poor guests were left witnessing this surprise floor show, and I can’t imagine what they were thinking of the both of us. Things accelerated to the point that I refused to partake in the pre-meal prayer, which, I’m sure, only accentuated my foolish behavior.
I don’t recall these many years later how we resolved that ludicrous argument, but we must have resolved it at some point because we are still married. And we still like each other. I do know that somewhere along the line we learned to diffuse senseless conflict with humor.
For instance, I can recall an incident wherein Bobby was pushing his point about something or another when I remarked, “Well, you’re not perfect, you know!” To which he immediately replied – without missing a beat - , “I am so!” What could I do but laugh?
Another time, forgetting his manners, he ordered me to do some random thing for him. I quipped, “What do you say?” Expecting the obligatory ‘please’, I instead got a drawn-out exaggerated, “NOW!” It struck me so funny I cracked up laughing instead of getting angry.
Now perhaps you’ll understand my knee-jerk response to our unsuspecting friends when I told them that I beat my husband with a stick. As a matter of fact, when I relayed their question to Bobby later that day, he asked without hesitation, “Did you tell them that you beat me?” Great minds do think alike, do they not? In our heart-of-hearts, we wish to always remain in accord with one another, and to live in pleasant harmony. When it comes to resolving conflict, we are in agreement. Whenever possible, diffuse potential arguments with humor.
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“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
~ Proverbs 15:1