Looking Out for Number-One
Most women tend to have a pretty strong maternal instinct. This instinct is magnified exponentially with the birth of our first child, and compels us to focus most, if not all, of our attention on a pint-sized little human who suddenly demands an audience 24/7. So exactly what happens to the honeymoon when baby makes three ~ or four, or more?
I want to share with you a tidbit of sage advice given to me by my maternity nurse when our oldest was born. At the time God arranged our meeting, she was an experienced fifty-something wife and mother. During her earlier days, she’d had two sets of twins born 10 months apart ~ she knew a thing or two about marriage and motherhood! She said to me one morning, “You know, it’s your instinct to make that baby your first priority, but you MUST put your husband first. That baby is going to grow up a lot sooner than you think, and he’ll leave home and go off and have his own life. Then one day, you’ll be sitting across the breakfast table with this man. It’s up to you whether he’s your best friend or a total stranger.”
When those words first reached my ears, it was like nails on a chalkboard. I initially thought she was completely nuts advising me to put my precious baby in second place! But as I carefully considered her advice ~ and the fact that she was indeed still happily married ~ I realized that she was absolutely right.
Several years later, I met the Lord and, for the first time, learned about the Biblical model of marriage and the God-ordained structure of the family. That sealed the deal. My husband MUST be my number-one priority, second only to the Lord Himself. Of course, knowing something isn’t quite the same as doing it. To become proficient at anything, it requires a great deal of practice.
Throughout my married life, this particular area has been a tremendous challenge for me. When our children were young, there were times that I felt Bobby was dealing harshly with them. More often than not, I was being manipulated by The Adversary, and falling under the delusion that my children were sweet little innocents undeserving of righteous parental judgment. As a matter of fact, there were times I felt so beaten-down by the constancy of mothering that I needed my husband to step-in and lay down the law before I dissolved into a heap on the kitchen floor.
Lest you misunderstand, our children were, by any standard, “good” kids. But, like any of us, they were cursed with the natural bent toward selfishness called human nature {also referred to as free will}. Lack of outrageous behavior notwithstanding, they still had a talent for finding ways to wear me down, intentionally or not.
As our children grew into adolescence, the parenting challenges increased, and so did my reluctance to allow our sons to fail. I wanted to protect them from any potential hurt or discomfort. Thankfully, Bobby saw the wisdom and value in allowing them to face the consequences of their choices, good or bad. I had to learn to step aside and let him lead, trusting his God-appointed role in our family.
I’ve often felt that, within the family, the husband is the Head and the wife is the Heart. Dad typically is the more logical, black-and-white disciplinarian, while Mom usually allows her emotions to dictate her responses to her children’s disobedience. Dad reasons, Mom feels. Dad can objectively look at the situation for what it actually is, while Mom looks at her babies through rose-colored kaleidoscope glasses which deceptively present them as flawless. Dad deals with the orderly world of disobedient-behavior-equals-consequences, and Mom worries herself sick that she will permanently warp her offspring’s psyche,
damaging them beyond repair, as she envisions them lying on a psychiatrist’s couch recounting to the good doctor every maternal wound inflicted by an inept mother.
The bond between mother and child is strong and seldom diminishes as the child grows into adulthood. For some, that strong bond becomes a stronghold. The problem here, I have only recently realized, is that my children ~ more often than I care to admit ~ become idols. Allow that word to sink in slowly for a moment as you consider the gravity of it. IDOLS.
Like other mothers I’ve spoken with, my children, at times, preoccupy my thoughts to the point that those thoughts and their related fears consume me. I’m sure that Satan revels in this. He knows that my weak-link is my kids, and he is sure to use that to his advantage. Satan constantly studies us to learn our weaknesses, and relentlessly utilizes this knowledge to manipulate us. He will do anything and everything within his means to catch us off-guard and keep us off-balance, and to cause us to question the Divine Wisdom and Plan of Almighty Creator God.
Whenever my focus shifts to my children in this way, I lose focus on the Lord and His Plan for the family. This eventually causes me to cease trusting in Him and the fact that He has a Divine Plan for the each of my kids ~ a Plan that does not require my intervention. I allow fear to cause me to question His Word and His promises. I revoke “control” after turning my kids over to God’s capable care. I begin living in the shadow of my fears rather than in the Light of God’s Truth. I become fixated on circumstances instead of keeping my eyes on the Savior, and waiting for His perfectly-timed intervention.
In turn, this shifting of focus affects my husband, and, ultimately, our marriage. Rather than protecting our marriage relationship by making Bobby my first priority, I revert back to my early-marriage mistake of putting our children ahead of my husband as God desires. It is a constant, ongoing battle to take every thought captive, to relinquish control to the Lord, and to redirect my thoughts. Instead of waiting impatiently for God to prove Himself to me through events, I have to trust Him for His meticulously prepared Plan. Rather than expecting God to act according to my demands, I have to rely on His supreme omnipotence.
Maybe you have also struggled to make your husband your first priority. Maybe you haven’t and you can tell me your secret! Regardless, we all struggle in our own areas to remain steadfast and obedient to the Lord. I’m very grateful to have a husband who not only loves and cherishes me, but balances me out and provides what I lack. He offers encouragement when I’m weak and he lifts me up when I’m down.
Only in relying on the Lord to guide us as we raise our young children can we hope to attain any measure of success. Only by releasing our adult children to God’s charge can we free ourselves from emotional, mental, and spiritual bondage that, if not tamed, could cause irreparable damage to our marital relationship. It is essential to a happy and enduring marriage to look out for number-one ~ your spouse.
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“Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self.” ~ Francis of Assisi