Check your Baggage
Growing up, I was blessed to have both parents raising me. Divorce was becoming more and more commonplace as I entered high school, and although my parents’ marriage was hardly blissful, I was grateful that they were still together. Obviously, they were my first and foremost example of a married couple during my formative years.
Sadly, my Dad’s father had abandoned his wife and five young children during the height of The Great Depression. My Dad, the youngest sibling, was about four years old at the time. His mother was forced to go to work to support her children. Not having any advanced schooling or vocational training, she worked as a waitress or telephone operator, or at whatever job she could find. She was often required to work two or three jobs at a time in order to make ends meet.
Because of Dad’s circumstances, he was left virtually parentless. His older siblings were charged with keeping an eye on him, but for the most part, he roamed freely. Unfortunately, this freestyle upbringing resulted in a very self-centered adult who was used to doing what he pleased, when he pleased. He was hardly prepared for life as a husband and father.
My Mom, on the other hand, was raised on a farm with two loving parents and six older brothers to watch out for her well-being. She was brought up on mutual respect, hard work, and self-discipline. She, unlike Dad, had responsibilities from the time she could reach the kitchen sink.
Due to my parents’ extremely divergent backgrounds, it wasn’t long before the dynamics of their marriage were forever affected. Dad’s desire to function independently of his family, coupled with his inability to lead and make decisions, left Mom feeling that she had no choice but to take the reins of authority. By default, she became the head of the house. With we children being her first priority, Dad was left playing third-string. The result was a never-ending power-struggle cycle which left our family bumping along the road of dysfunction.
Marriage had left Dad feeling tied-down. Four children later and feeling hopelessly trapped, Dad “abandoned” his own family by checking-out emotionally. Physically he was present, but he was clearly living only for himself. This, in turn, left Mom feeling that she was in it alone, and bitterness and resentment replaced any love and affection that had ever existed.
Fast-forward a decade or two . . .
When Bobby and I got married thirty-odd years ago, we planned on having children right away . . . which we did. Our oldest was born 11 months after our marriage. Needless to say, we experienced a lot of changes and adjustments during our first year as Mr. & Mrs.! We hadn’t yet learned to completely rely on the Lord for guidance so a lot of on-the-job-training took place. That is not to say, however, that God wasn’t at work in our relationship. Clearly, He was.
The only kind of marriage I’d ever really known intimately was my parents’. The only kind of wife I’d ever known well was my Mom. Without realizing it, I carried that baggage into my own marriage by following Mom’s example and assuming the role of leader. Well, I tried to, anyway. Bobby was ~ and is ~ a born leader. He is decisive and level-headed, a logical-thinker, and wise beyond his years. Thus began an unspoken power-struggle.
It shames me to admit it, but in the earliest years of our marriage, I viewed Bobby as a second-class citizen. I didn’t respect him. I felt that my way was the best way, and that he needed to get out of my way. I don’t know that either of us could truly have verbalized what was happening, but happening it surely was. It didn’t take long for both of us to
realize that if things didn’t change pretty darn quickly, we’d find ourselves sitting in divorce court.
As I was driving down the road one afternoon with my infant son strapped safely in his car seat, I was literally crying out to God to intervene and save my marriage. All at once, a thought came into my mind so strongly, that I knew God was speaking to my spirit. “Bobby is a good man and he deserves ALL of your love”, came the words to my heart. I pondered those words carefully.
“ALL of my love”, I thought to myself. “ALL of my love, not just a portion of it.” Instantly, I was fully aware that I had been withholding love. I was immediately conscious of the fact that I had been treating Bobby as if he were not deserving of respect. I purposed from that day forward to give him the honor and respect God commands, and try to mend my crooked-wifely ways.
The changes didn’t happen all at once. It took a lot of deliberate effort, a lot of apologies, and a lot of time. I still struggle with this from time to time ~ I’m still learning, and I’m still battling self. I will never reach perfection as long as I’m on this earth, but if I remain attentive to God’s gentle guidance, I’ll continue to improve.
If you’ve made mistakes in your marriage, if you’ve deviated from God’s Divinely-ordained plan for marriage, it’s never too late to start fresh. His mercies are new every morning {Lamentations 3:23}! Check your baggage and allow the Lord to help you unpack.
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“ . . . and the wife must respect her husband.”
~ Ephesians 5:33