False Accusations
Some years ago, a popular book attempted to explain the basic differences between men and women, and the conflicts that can result because of said differences. Although I never read that particular book, it is evident throughout God’s Word that men and women do indeed differ. Typically, men possess superior physical strength and women tend to be emotional. Many men tend to think rationally and logically, approaching issues with their minds, while many women feel deeply and profoundly, approaching identical issues with their hearts.
As parents of only boys, we often compared notes with friends who were parents of only girls. I came to draw the following conclusion: When boys are hurt or upset, they get angry.
When girls are hurt or upset, they cry.
Obviously, this oversimplifies the differences between male and female, but there is a great deal of truth to it. Whether or not it’s because, culturally, boys are taught that crying is for sissies, I don’t know. What I do know, is that Bobby and I respond and react very differently to various issues as do most other men and women we know.
As a woman who feels deeply and profoundly, I can attest to the reality of my feelings. When we discovered that our oldest son was addicted to drugs and alcohol, it crushed my mommy-heart beyond comprehension. Bobby, on the other hand, appeared to be angry, at least on the surface. I was sad, he was mad. I cried, he brooded. I mistakenly came to believe that somehow his love for our son was less than my own. I wrongly assumed that while my heart was breaking, his was hardening.
It would be impossible to recount all the events of those difficult years here in this short blog, but suffice it to say that there were many ups and downs, many false starts and false hopes, and many hurts and disappointments. One particular conversation on one particular day developed into Bobby and I loudly voicing our vastly differing viewpoints. At the crescendo of the “discussion”, I basically accused him of not loving our son. Immediately, when I saw the expression on his face, I knew I’d inflicted a deep and painful wound, and behaved exceedingly arrogantly. His reply to my accusation verified what my heart had already revealed. Taken aback, he said to me, “Are you trying to tell me I don’t love my own son? Don’t you think I’m hurting too?”
I was shocked at my own presumptuous conclusions and the self-importance by which I
arrived at those conclusions. How could I have ever doubted that Bobby’s love for our children is every bit as deep and profound and unwavering as my own? Because God has gifted him with a distinct perspective which appeared to contradict my own, I unfairly concluded that he didn’t love our son. Because he was viewing the situation through his eyes and not mine, I believed that he was acting out of anger rather than hurt. I reasoned that acting out of hurt was somehow more noble than acting out of anger. Whether or not my husband bursts into uncontrolled sobs over his children in no way diminishes the love he has for them. Likewise, my tears do not testify to a greater depth of love.
During this very difficult season in our lives, I was once again reminded of God’s great and unconditional love for His children. God loves us with an intensity that we cannot even begin to fathom. It is because of this indescribable love that He disciplines us, not in spite of it. It is because He desires to restore us to fellowship and right relationship with Him that He is at times compelled to allow us to fully experience the consequences of our own sinful behaviors. When we rebel against God and deliberately disobey His Word, His heart is breaking all the while, just as our hearts were breaking over our lost son.
Our Savior did indeed rescue our son from the bondage of addiction, but not before allowing him to experience the painful aftermath of his rebellion. When our son reached the end of himself, the Lord graciously, lovingly, and gently restored him. Today, he lives clean and walks with the Lord.
Wives, before you make the mistake I made in wrongly assessing your husband’s responses to the challenges of this life, be mindful that he is Divinely-programmed differently and uniquely. Always be willing to extend to him the same measure of grace bestowed upon you by Almighty God. Give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the best instead of the worst. If you feel like pulling away, press in. If you feel like letting go, hold tighter. If you feel like giving up, turn your focus to what the Word of God says instead of how you feel. Above all, be gentle and honest with one another, always willing to offer and accept forgiveness. The enemy will use every tool at his disposal to divide your marital union. Never, ever, ever give in to his relentless attempts to dismantle what God has joined together.
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“Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.”
~ Ephesians 4:2-3